Shenanigans
by 20 pounds of crazy
Summary: The team is forced to stay on lockdown for the next four days at Nate's apartment due to a con-gone-wrong. What crazy shenanigans will the team get into? Will Eliot be able to make it out without injuring himself/someone else? Not likely.
1. Chapter 1: Sharpie

**Disclaimer: I like pie. And I don't own Leverage. Yet.**

**Enjoy**

**T - 11 minutes**

"Nate, that's it," Eliot said angrily. "I can't do this anymore. She's driving me insane!"

"Eliot calm down," Nate said. "You know we can't leave. For the next 2 to 4 days, we're on lockdown. No one in or out; thanks to some so-called computer genius our covers were blown and the feds are hot on our trail. If one of us leaves now, we'll all be in jail for a long, long time."

"Seriously? Seriously!" the so-called computer geek yelled from the kitchen. He was eating some cold pizza. "Thanks to those IDs, your asses weren't blown up either, but I guess that doesn't count for anything. Blame everything on the tech, I see how it is."

"I don't care! I will gladly risk jail if it means I can get away from her!" Eliot screamed. He was close to losing it. "This is the worst situation I have ever been in. Ever."

"There must have been worse times," Nate said. "That Russian monkey thing?"

Flashback. "No."

"How about Sophie's play?" Hardison reminded him.

He thought for a second. "Ok, this situation is a close second."

"What about Sophie's play?" Sophie asked from the other room.

"Nothing," all three said simultaneously.

"Now, what is Parker doing that is so bad?" Nate asked. "I mean come on, we've been in here for like ten minutes."

"Eleven minutes and thirty seven seconds," said Eliot. "She did this." He pulled up his sleeve to see an arm full of sharpie marker drawings. They looked like poorly drawn cartoons.

Hardison started cracking up. "How did she do that without you noticing? I thought you were a ninja. And is that a picture of Godzilla?"

"Shut up, Hardison! I _am_ a ninja! She's just… Parker. And I think it is Godzilla… Or at least a giant lizard-man. Now how the heck do I get this crap off?"

"Uh, it's called permanent marker for a reason," Hardison said. "It'll be on for a while."

Eliot sighed and set his mind on getting through the next four days without killing or seriously injuring anyone.


	2. Chapter 2: Idea for Parker

**T – 72 minutes**

"Ok, I see what you mean," Hardison said to Eliot. "She is pretty… wound up. But hey, it's not exactly her fault."

"You're right," Eliot said. "It's yours".

Hardison sighed loudly. "For the last time, no it wasn't. It wasn't my fault! Shit happens, and I'm sure you've_ never_ lost a fight. The amazing Eliot is too good for that. Just so you know, that's sarcasm! News flash: you lost to a girl. A girl! And you're gonna sit here and blame me for this? You could have beaten your way out of there instead of calling on me to the rescue. I did the best I could!"

"Hardison, shut up! I'm not listening to this for the next four days. And I _did_ have tobeat my way out of there. I don't see your stupid computers providing backup. Or weaponry."

"Boys, boys! Settle down," yells Sophie from upstairs. No one wanted to know what she and Nate were doing up there.

"He started it," they both said simultaneously.

"Don't make me come down there," she warned. There was a loud crash and noise resembling something like an accordion.

"What are you two _doing _up there," muttered Eliot.

"Probably having sex," Parker replied casually as she came into the room.

"Parker! You don't just say that."

She made a face. "I'm bored. There's nothing to do. Can I draw on your other arm?"

"Ok before you make Eliot even more mad, I'm gonna answer that for him: no", Hardison said sternly.

She frowned and walked out of the room. There was silence for a few minutes, disregarding another crash coming from upstairs.

Hardison had an idea. "Eliot," he said. "I've got an idea for Parker! She's hyper and in a confined space."

He paused. "…And?" Eliot asked.

"She's hyper and in a confined space!"

"I swear Hardison, I'm not in the mood for this."

"No, no, no. You're not getting me. Parker is hyper with no job to do. We are stuck in this apartment. She works best in confined spaces."

It finally hit Eliot. "I get it… Kind of. But Parker works best in confined spaces with laser beams all around her and a prize at the end, not an apartment."

"If we can't go to the laser beams, we'll bring them to her."


	3. Chapter 3: Steamy Piles of Deliciousness

**A/N: I appreciate all of the reviews. I decided to use Frankies Girl 21's suggestion in this, and I will (attempt to) do more requests. So review and let me know your opinions/ requests! Sorry, though- it is very unlikely that Eliot + Parker will become Eliot/Parker.**

**T – 260 minutes**

It was finally perfect. Finally. It only took him 3 hours. Hardison stepped back, admiring his work. The hall containing all of their offices was completely covered with strands of yarn. Hardison found said yarn in the back of Nate's coat closet and wasn't about to ask him why there was yarn in there to begin with. He then spent his time "decorating" the hall and making sure Parker wasn't peeking.

After hand cramps from the scissors, back aches from bending awkwardly to put the strings up, a bruised knee from falling off a step ladder (twice) and a reduced ego from Eliot catching him with the multi-colored yarn, his masterpiece was finished. He looked in wonder at the sight in front of him; there were strands of yarn (poorly) taped across the hallway in something resembling laser beams. True, they didn't move, but with all that effort, she was lucky he didn't torch the whole building down.

Hardison limped into the kitchen/ living room dramatically. "Ok. It's ready."

Parker jumped up from the couch and ran to see the surprise. She stopped in her tracks as soon as she saw it. Her eyes grew wider as she turned to thank Hardison, but he was lying on the floor in the kitchen twitching with an orange soda by his side. She shrugged and surveyed the course. Non-moving lasers would normally be a piece of cake, but Hardison definitely made this course tricky. There was no easy path through. Especially because half of the yarn fell off the tape on one side, so it was dangling.

She was still eyeing it when Hardison came limping back. "It's been 40 minutes," he informed her.

On the other side of the hallway stood Eliot in a 'Kiss the Cook' apron. "I want to get to my office," he began, "but all this stupid yarn is in the way. So hurry up. There's a prize. Well, you can pick one of two. I baked you these cookies," he showed her the pile of steamy deliciousness, "or you can have this." He took off the apron and his shirt and neatly folded them, showing her the other pile of steamy deliciousness- abs. "Yeah," he said to the two gaping faces, "they're real."

With that, Parker took a running start and did ninja flips across the yarn. It was awesome. In no time she was on the other side. Eliot went to hug her, but instead Parker grabbed the cookies and shoved three into her mouth. "Thanks Eliot," she mumbled, crumbs flying everywhere.

"Damn, it Parker," Eliot sighed. "There definitely _has _to be something wrong with you."


	4. Chapter 4: Bedtime Story

**T – 407 minutes **

"'_Twas the first night of lockdown _

_and all through the house, _

_not a creature was stirring_

_Not even a mouse"_

Parker and Hardison laughed. "Why a mouse? That's weird!" said Parker.

Eliot sighed and slammed the book shut. "Damn it, Parker! I'm done. There goes your bedtime story."

"No!" she whined.

"Come on, Eliot!" Hardison complained. "That was the farthest we got! See? We're making progress. And I want to know what happens."

"Fine. The little kids shut the hell up and don't get their faces punched in by the sexy guy."

"That was a pretty lame ending. You're bad at this," said Hardison.

"A bed time story? Seriously?" Nate asked as he came down the stairs with Sophie. His hair was disheveled more than usual and they seemed out of breath. There was a tear in Sophie's shirt.

"You two Ok?" Eliot asked, really wanting to know what they were doing up there.

Nate and Sophie shot each other a glance and muttered 'fine'. Sophie could tell they were about to bombard her with questions, so she said "Ok everyone go to bed. It's past your bedtimes."

"No it's not," Parker stated matter-o-factly. "I can stay up 'til 11 on weekends."

"Me too! And stop using us as a distraction," Hardison said, while in actuality he was trying to distract her. Screw bedtimes, he wanted to stay up later!

"I only sleep 90 minutes a day," bragged Eliot. "My bed time is like 2 AM. In your face!"

"Not fair!" Parker whined.

"Hey, man," Hardison whispered to Eliot, who scooted over next to him. "… Closer" he leaned closer. "A little closer." Eliot leaned in so his ear was about an inch away from Hardison's face. "Finish the damn bed time story!" he shouted loudly. Eliot made a move to punch him, but Hardison rolled over cringing and Parker caught his fist.

"You can't hold onto my fist forever!" he said, pissed off.

"Wanna bet?" Parker asked seriously. She wanted money, no matter what.

"Uh, no," Eliot said. He considered chewing his hand off, but then how would he be able to cook? There were no other options. Except for one. "Tickle fight!" he screamed and attacked Parker.

The point is, they all learned two new things that night: 1, Parker was ticklish and 2, Parker has a very sharp reflex when someone touches her neck. She ninja kicked Eliot in the gut. It was bad even for Eliot.

Hardison found it amusing. "Dude, that's _gotta_ hurt."

"Parker, stop," scolded Sophie. "You all better behave. We all know this lockdown thing is bad, but deal with it. Four days- closer to three- and it will be over. No kicking," she looked at Parker, "and try not to swear too much. It really does get old quickly, and we don't buy your tough guy attitude," she looked at Eliot.

"What are you, our mother," Hardison mumbled. Sophie ignored him and instructed Eliot to finish the bed time story.

"Fine," Eliot sighed. "Where was I before I was so rudely interrupted?"


	5. Chapter 5: Breakfast

**Let me start by saying I'm terribly sorry for the delay in posts. I didn't give up on this one, because it's very entertaining to write. With the holidays and some family problems, I literally had no time. Here is a VERY short… thing as an "I'm sorry". Also, December 26 I plan to post again. Spoiler: they talk about Twilight. Hopefully that will keep you all interested. Merry Christmas**

**Inspired by my breakfast. **

**T – 887 minutes**

Eight hours later, Parker woke up to the smell of delicious pancakes and the sound of sizzling bacon. Three minutes later from that, Hardison woke up to someone stepping on his face. Sophie was still sound asleep, even with Hardison shouting out in pain.

"Dude, shut up!" scolded Eliot. "Nate and Sophie are still sleeping."

"Good morning to you, too," Hardison mumbled, rubbing his eyes. Parker was surprisingly awake for sleeping awkwardly with her feet on the couch and the rest of her body on the floor. She was sitting on the counter, waiting for her chance to attack. Attack meaning steal the food.

"Don't take it," Eliot said, reading her mind. "The oven's hot."

"Psh, I know that," Parker said. He stared her down and she eventually slid off the counter, going immediately to the cabinet. "Mm barbeque chips."

"Parker! I'm making breakfast," Eliot reminded. "Is this what you usually eat in the morning?"

She nodded. Eliot sighed. "You two really need to learn how to cook," Eliot said. "Orange soda, cold pizza, cereal, and barbeque chips do _not _count as meals."

"Hey man, not cool," said Hardison, caught holding a slice of cold pepperoni pizza. "This right here is the breakfast of champions. Or ex-champions."

"Shut up, Hardison," repeated Eliot. "Where the hell are Nate and Sophie? Breakfast is almost done."

"Eliot, we're right here," said Sophie. The three turned to look at Nate and Sophie sitting at the table, which they set with forks and knives. "We've been listening this whole time."

"I knew that," he lied. He cursed himself- how could he not notice them? He was definitely getting rusty.

"Sure you did," Nate reassured him.


	6. Chapter 6: Parker Logic  Twilight ?

**I'm getting back to updating on time! Ta da! So, here is the team (mainly Parker) discussing Twilight, as promised. Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Leverage. I apologize to fans of Bella and Rosalie and if you are either, I would not read this. You've been warned.**

**Here comes some Parker logic. Brace yourself for extremely run-on sentences with a surplus of the word "and". **

**T - 1400 minutes**

"Whatcha reading, Eliot?" asked Parker as she jumped on top of him.

"Dammit Parker!" he said. "You made me lose my page."

She took the book from him. Reading the title, she made a face. "Sophie likes these books. She tried to make me read them. Icky."

"There's nothing wrong with these books, Parker!" he yelled, slightly embarrassed. "And anyway, these are the only books I could find and I'm bored."

"Whatever you need to tell yourself," said Hardison, laughing. "Tell me- are you team Edward or Jacob?"

"Shut up Hardison!" Eliot replied. Then he murmured, "Jacob's obviously better."

"Eliot, you read those books too?" asked Sophie excitedly. She and Nate had just come down the steps. "They gave me such insight into the minds and styles of vampires."

"Yeah so now you're covered if you ever need to pretend you're a vampire," Hardison said sarcastically. Sophie sighed dreamily.

"If only," she whispered.

"Sophie, remember you made me watch those movies?" asked Parker. "I have an idea!" Everyone braced themselves- after all, it _was _Parker. Who knew what kind of idea she would have? "Well, it's like a theory. Jacob in the book was really muscular and stuff and obviously he was a werewolf which is kind of cool but anyways, he fights a lot. He reminds me of Eliot! Maybe that's why you like him so much, Eliot!"

"I don't like him that much!" defended Eliot.

"Dude, you have posters of him shirtless up in your office. Do not even lie," said Hardison.

"He's a model fighter. He's an inspiration, not _just _eye candy," Eliot tried to sound convincing, but no one was fooled.

"Well anyways," said Parker. She took another deep breath and prepared for another run-on sentence. "Bella has dark hair and so does Sophie so that makes Sophie Bella and even though Bella's a sissy and really weak, she reminds me of Sophie! I don't mean you are weak or anything, but you have dark hair and can open your eyes really wide while you grift and stuff! The only different thing is that Bella kind of sounds like a man through it and you don't."

"Um… Thank you Parker?" Sophie said. She was trying to figure out if what the girl said was a compliment or an insult."

She took another deep breath. "So that makes Nate Edward because Edward has messy hair and Nate does too! And Edward went to high school like a billion times and Nate is really smart and even though he's not fast or strong like a vampire he still kind of acts like Edward- mysterious and afflicted and stuff."

Nate pretended not to hear any of that but secretly he was really happy to be compared to Edward. _Score! _He thought.

"And where do you fall into this storyline?" asked Sophie. She was actually interested now that she was the main character.

"Oh," said Parker. She thought for a moment. "Well… my hair isn't short or dark or anything but I could probably be Alice! She's nice and happy and climbs trees and stuff. I think she would like stealing if she ever had to. Yeah. Alice is like the only choice for me so I guess its good. Rosalie's kind of a bitch and even though she has blonde hair like me, I don't have a mole! That mole was ugly; I could only look at that the entire time." She shuddered.

"Parker, be nice," said Sophie. She completely agreed, though.

…And then there was Hardison. He was feeling very left out despite his refusal to watch Twilight, let alone read the books. He was forever a Harry Potter fan- and a Trekkie. Parker turned to face him. "Oh yeah I forgot to do Hardison!"

Eliot gave her a strange look as did Nate and Sophie. Hardison looked up, surprised. "Uh… What did you say?"

"I need to pick a character for you! Ok so you have to be Jasper."

"Parker…" said Eliot. "Jasper and Alice are together."

Hardison's face lit up. "You're Alice and I'm Jasper… I like it. Even though I don't know who those people are."

"Well, yeah," stated Parker. "He obviously can't be Emmett because he definitely wouldn't fall for someone with a mole and he's not strong… at all. No offense, Hardison. Jasper could probably be good at computers," she offered. Hardison chose to ignore the first part of her logic and focused on the fact that they were together.

"Maybe I _should_ read these books…" Hardison thought out loud.


End file.
